Putting a Finger On My Ambiguous Anxieties
I'm sitting in a restaurant this morning trying to enjoy the beauty of the spring morning and breakfast but my long-time friend, Ambiguous Anxiety, has joined me once again. I see him everywhere I go everyday.
There is something wrong with me and there always has been.
I know it began at home during my early childhood years. Daddy was a mean and angry man. Why, I don't know. I do know that he beat (literally) all the confidence and self-esteem out of my little soul.
It was usually over deeds (or perceived deeds) that were so trite as to warrant no more than a word of correction following an inquiry into what really happened and the seriousness of the deed. But Daddy seemed to derive some sort of sick twisted pleasure out of beating me and my older brother.
Mother never beat us and seldom spanked us but she stood by or sat by while Daddy did. As adults my brother once arranged a meeting with Mom in order to ask her why she allowed the years-long abuse and why she never left the “sob.” She made herself the victim and ignored my brothers charges.
Mother committed adultery a few times during our early years according to Daddy but he took her back and we boys never knew anything about those adulterous affairs. We didn't know about that until she committed adultery in the company of my first wife in 1970 and left Daddy for another man. We learned about this (not my first wife's involvement in adultery with Mother) when the sheriff came to tell Daddy that they were going to arrest Mom for occupying a room for immoral purposes, which they did. And Daddy took her back. Shortly after that my first wife left me over the phone.
It has only been in the last decade or so that surgeons learned how to sew up patients in such a way that no scars, virtually no scars, could be easily seen. No one has learned to do that with soul-scars, at least not like physical scars.
Soul-scars are the reason for my ambiguous anxieties. Putting a name on an affliction often helps to heal it. If one can identify what's wrong there's hope that one can remedy what's wrong. It's kind of like learning one has sinned against God and that is what's wrong between that one and God. Having identified our sin-problem by the grace of God we can then turn to Him and say, “What must I do to be forgiven?”
God has graciously taken care of my sin-problem and separation from Him by sending His Son to do all for me that He demands.
As far as the soul-scars go, I'm working on it. It ain't easy.